So it seems like this is a popular question in the obstetrics and hormonal world. “What is your birth plan?” I giggled a wee bit when my Dr. asked me. I’m sure my smart aleck response didn’t win me any bedside manner points, but I couldn’t resist.
Me: “Umm, to get her out.”
Dr: (Insert awkward laugh)”Ha, true, but do you have any specific instructions you’d like us to follow?”
Me: (Blankly staring, unsure if this is a trick question or not.)
Dr: “Any specific requests?”
Me: (Again a blank look, thinking holy cow she’s serious. Should I have done some homework??? Have things changed since I did this last time???? I should have instructions???)
Dr: (Now she begins to blankly stare and mentally question if I’m a glue eater)
After some painful moments of uncomfortable eye contact, we moved on to the exam, pretending the awkward moment never happened and never brought up the topic again. The whole drive home I thought about her question. Since when does the patient tell the Dr. how to do their job? What requests could I possibly give the doctor to have a “peaceful” delivery. Last time I checked, childbirth was a laborious part of life that the baby never ever remembers. Um hello??? Genesis 3:16 a’ringin a bell?
“Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children”
Peaceful for the mom? I mean they know where the baby exits right? And I don’t think there is anything peaceful about that. Peaceful for the baby? My 6 year old doesn’t always remember to wipe her butt. Safe to say a newborn is not going to remember if Josh Groban was singing in the background as she was being extracted from the nether regions. I definitely didn’t go to med school, nor have I performed surgery. So why the heck would I tell the nurses and Doctors how to do their jobs? Yet this seems to be the new trend.
Now hats off to you water-birthing, anit-epidural wonder moms out there who are popping youngungs out like skittles while you’re scrolling through your insta-feed, sippin on coconut water. You are better women than I. If there’s a pain free option, sign me up! I’m all about as little discomfort as possible!
But it really throws me how warped our mind thinking has become. One person reads a facebook post on the new most “natural” thing for a baby is to be “seeded.” As in when a baby is coming out via the slice and dice method, take a paintbrush, dip it in the mom’s hooha juices and paint up that kid so it’s more “natural.” Sorry…nope. My kids will most likely need therapy for all the screw ups I’ve done as a parent, but that’s one they’re not going to be able to throw in my face. You’re welcome Sadie…you are seed-free. I saw this and was telling my mom (who is a 29 year Labor and Delivery nurse) and asking if she’s heard of this and all she could do was laugh and say gross. And for a woman who spends her days in the down and under of fully gestated strangers, it must really be gross!
I love/hate the openness and transparency that is happening in today’s age. I love the fact that things like mental illness recognition, stressed out mom acceptance, the lowering of the “perfect body” standard, and caloric contents printed on menus are becoming part of our normal society. But when it becomes accepted that we become the boss simply because we are a consumer, have read an article on the internet or are a disgruntled minority member, I thumbs down that all the way. I enjoy knowing my doctor is 100% capable of handling any situation I have and being able to tell me what the best thing “medically” to do is. I’m PAYING her to be the expert so I expect her to expertly direct me.
So as I’m stepping down from my soapbox, I’ll end with this. As much as we try to flower and fluff childbirth, that’s what it is. Birthing a child. Leave your instruction manuals for the doctor at home.